Movie Reviews That Matter
(mouse over or click movie posters to see reviews)
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- Older Films
Jurassic Park
1993
Dinosaurs are not dogs. Booooooooooo.
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
2018
A smart dinosaur is not a dog.
Star Wars
1977
NOPE.
The Empire Strikes Back
1980
STILL NOPE.
Return of the Jedi
1983
Ewoks are not dogs. Fuck this noise.
Rogue One
2016
Fucking boooooooooooooooo!
Thor: Ragnarok
2017
If a giant demon wolf counts, sure.
Doctor Strange
2016
Stupid, stupid, stupid. Time control? Magic finger sparkles? How about the power to make one goddamn dog appear in this absurd movie? That last one would be nice.
Gravity
2013
Replace George Clooney with a dog and this movie rocks my tits!!!
Waterworld
1995
Welcome to the worst film in all of cinematic history. A film in which humans have been living in a so-called “water world” for so long that they are confused by mirrors, yet curiously still understand metaphors involving flush toilets. A world in which humans have the technology to filter piss into drinking water, but can’t figure out how to purify seawater. A film with lots of KC’s ass and no dogs.
Bring It On
2000
Billy Corgan in a wig stars with Eliza Dushku in a movie with no dogs.
Murder On The Orient Express
2017
Dogs, sure, but no David Suchet- how is this even a thing?
Cool Runnings
1993
I can see clearly now, it has a dog!
Step Brothers
2008
This movie is so funny that even the dog is hilarious.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
2001
A delightful journey into a rich magical world, featuring a terrific dog.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
2002
More magic, mystery and Fang, a very fine dog.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
2004
No dogs, don't bother.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
2005
No dogs in this dud of a movie.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
2007
Two very good dogs!
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
2009
Good old Fang, saving the day (and movie) again!
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1
2010
No dogs in this bummer of a film.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2
2011
Shut up, YOU’RE crying. Oh, you’re crying because there’s no dogs in this movie? Yeah, I get that too.
Steel Dawn
1987
It’s like Waterworld, except the opposite thing and there’s a fantastic hero-dog in it. Five stars.
Silence of the Lambs
1991
A chilling classic with a great dog!
Parents
1989
A boring movie with no dogs.
Super Buddies
2013
A lot of dogs (and definitely a lot of cocaine) went into the making of this movie. TEN STARS!!!
Labyrinth
1986
Heroic Dogs? Yes! David Bowie’s crotch? Heck yeah! A million stars!!!
Jenny's Wedding
2015
A touching movie for straight folks about how to not be piece of shit when a family member comes out of the closet. Features a very cute dog.
"Crocodile" Dundee
1986
Dogs, yes. Transphobia played for laughs on multiple occasions? Yes. It's up to you, really.
Paper Moon
1973
A charming film about a cigarette-smoking nine-year-old and her con-man dad, with a fleeting bit of dogs. A real winner!
The Princess Bride
1987
As you wish? Well, Westley, I wish for some fucking dogs in this movie, how about that?!
Dirty Dancing
1987
A sexy romance about the dangers of abortion being illegal, starring no dogs.
Star Trek
2009
Hey, Kirk, how about next time you voyage to someplace that has at least one fucking dog?!
Star Trek Beyond
2016
Another dumb space movie with no dogs.
The Fate of the Furious
2017
Y’all, I’m gonna be honest here- I have no idea what this movie is about. Doesn’t matter though, because I understand that real family includes dogs, and this movie doesn’t. What a bunch of bullshit.
Predator
1987
The hyper-toxic-masculinity of this movie literally put me to sleep it was so boring. Also, no dogs.
The Search for Santa Paws
2010
An instant holiday classic. Lots of talking dogs, plus magic crystals?
Always
1989
I hate Richard Dreyfuss and I hate movies with no dogs. Two for one with this shit-gem.
Don Verdean
2015
No dogs, no stars!!
Beerfest (2006)
2006
Funny? Ja! A dog? Ja! Five stars? Fuck ja!
Star Trek
2009
Hey, Kirk, how about next time you voyage to someplace that has at least one fucking dog?!
The Royal Tenenbaums
2001
Everybody knows that Wes Anderson’s third movie has a dog, but what my theory presupposes is that maybe it should have more?
Pocahontas
1995
The bad news is that this movie is highly problematic, referring to “fighting the Indians” within the first two minutes. The good news is that a dog is featured almost immediately after that comment, saving me the trouble of watching the other 80 minutes. I can honestly report that there is a dog in this movie. Just don’t ask me what happens after that.
Mindhorn
2016
This movie was very funny, but no dogs. A total waste of time.
Game Over, Man
2018
Dear readers, I am torn. Is this movie funny? Sometimes. Does it feature a dog? Definitely. Does that dog get exploded? … yes. These are the times I wish this heavy mantle was not mine.
Moana
2016
Look, I get that maybe dogs aren’t indigenous to Moana’s island or whatever, I don’t know, I’m not a Moana-ologist, but it’s still a bummer that there are no dogs in this otherwise enjoyable movie.
Flowers in the Attic
2014
Psycho moms and incest, yes. Dogs, no. It’s your choice.
Jurassic Park
1993
Dinosaurs are not dogs. Booooooooooo.
Benji
2018
Does it have a dog? Oh! What a dog!!
Stuart Little 2
2002
Talking mouse, yes. Talking bird, yes. Talking cat, yes. Any kind of dog at all? NO!
Look Who’s Talking Now
1993
Yes, and they talk. Who would have guessed?
An Officer and a Gentleman
1982
Richard Gere is an officer and a gentleman, but not a dog. Two thumbs down.
The House
2017
This tragic film about how end-stage capitalism forces middle-class parents to commit all manner of crime in order to fund their child’s aspiration for higher education stars Will Ferrell, Amy Poehler and no dogs. Zero thumbs up.
The Artist
2011
The Artist heavily features one of the best dogs in recent cinematic history. A fine movie with a fine dog.
Wonder Woman
2017
This is not the feminist film we deserve, and it’s not the dog film we deserve. Zero stars.
Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
2003
The Opposite of Chekhov’s Gun is Hunter’s Dog, which states that if there isn’t a dog in act one, there had better be a dog in act three. There isn’t a single dog in any goddamn act of this movie. A failure.
The Wizard of Oz
1939
A timeless classic that stars one of the best dogs in cinematic history. Great job, Toto.
Logan
2017
This hilarious movie about the trials of a new dad, the titular Logan, does not feature dogs. Thumbs down.
Hotel for Dogs
2009
Fuck yeah! Why isn’t every hotel a hotel for dogs? Fascism? I mean, just think about it.
Air Bud: Spikes Back
2003
This cinematic beauty features a touching subplot about the value of friendship, and of course, a dog. A very good dog.
Overboard
1987
This so-called romantic comedy featuring Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn climaxes in a scene in which Goldie Hawn’s amnesiac character is tricked into having sex with Kurt Russell’s, but there is some pretty sweet dog action, so who am I to judge? Five stars.
Babe
1995
What’s better than a dog? Two dogs, obvs. What’s better than two dogs? Two (non-American) talking dogs, duh-doi. Throw a talking pig in the mix and OMG what even is your life that you are at this website but haven’t seen this movie?
Star Wars
1977
NOPE.
The Empire Strikes Back
1980
STILL NOPE.
Return of the Jedi
1983
Ewoks are not dogs. Fuck this noise.
Karate Kid
1984
No dogs, don't bother.
About
Does It Have Dogs?
The brainchild of two humans tired of a life filled with cinematic uncertainty and not nearly enough dogs. www.DoesItHaveDogs.com provides an answer to the single most compelling question in modern cinema - Does it have dogs?
Since a late night epiphany in Spring of 2018, we've been watching, writing, and webbing tirelessly to provide these answers. How can you know which films have dogs, until you've wasted two non-refundable hours of your life? We are the change we want to see in the world.
Our goal is simple - watch each movie and determine its worth by the only meaningful metric - Does it have dogs!?